Bipolar Disorder Stories

I'm a 17 year old female and am amongst the still short-term strugglers of bipolar disorder.  But despite only having had problems for a little over two years, my symptoms have been quite severe - almost to the point where I cannot imagine myself struggling with the disorder for much longer.

 

I have only reached out for professional help two times, and neither times have I continued to receive their support. BP itself has made it impossible for me to continue therapy for longer than a month at a time. I have also never been properly diagnosed with BP, because I have not given the doctors enough time or proof of symptoms to be diagnosed with anything besides depression. Therefore the only kind of medication I have taken is an overthecounter anti-depressant called 'Lexapro', which did not prove helpful in the least.

 

One of the reasons my case has been so difficult for me and my family to deal with properly is because apart from the BP-like symptoms, I have been both anorexic and bulimic for three years. The EDs have been cycling in and out alongside my hypomanic and depressive states and most of the time, it's hard to know whether my ED has caused my ups and downs (BP swings), or whether my ups and downs has caused my ED to resurface.

 

My ups and downs cycle in average two-three month patterns, where for the first couple of months I'm in a hypomanic state, going outside everyday, shopping and spending excessive amounts of money, wearing makeup, and losing a large amount of weight caused by anorexia, feeling invincible, and then the next couple of months I'm back to locking myself up inside the house, binge eating, gaining lots of weight, crying, and completely cutting off all my connections with the outside world. Due to this unstable cycle I have dropped regular school and had to take up homeschooling, lost all friends, have been unable to work for an allowance, and feel worthless and hateful toward myself most of the time. I have never actually seriously attempted to hurt myself, but have thought of death many times.

I don't want to keep struggling with this into my adulthood, because I want to be normal, and I want to pursue fading dreams and become a successful adult with a successful job and a successful life. I've never had a relationship and wish to be loved and to love as someone who has confidence being themselves. But even though I wish for all this I know that mental and psychotic disorders cannot be cured as easily with meds or other physical procedures. It's much more complicated than that.

http://www.mental-health-today.com/bp/story.htm